the king is dead. jesus, too. rip, ghandi.




Dear God, as you know, i’m not much of a praying man. but if you’re out there and listening, one kind favor: please take this insufferable douchebag next.

stuck in a mcdonald’s in milpitas, calif., deep in the heart of silicon valley, only 15 miles from cupertino and the hallowed halls of apple inc.
by now you have heard (and by “you” i mean you, becky breslin, suffering wife and lone subscriber) that steve jobs, apple founder and former ceo, died today of pancreatic cancer at age 56.
by all accounts he was as decent as a corporate titan can be. never wore a suit, loved his employees to a fault, dug music like a sixties hippie, was kind to pets and small children all while displaying a singular marking genius.
i didn’t know shit about steve jobs.
but now i know he was a genius, a once-in-a-goddamn-century genius, because wolf blitzer has assaulted my ears with the word 32 times in the past half-hour, somehow squeezing “genius” out time after time in the face of his overwhelming grief.
it’s sad when any man dies before his time. 
i have not come to bury steve jobs.
nor praise him.
in fact, as becky put it for me because i lack the power of expression to do it myself, i’d gladly send wolf blitzer to the great beyond in place of steve jobs. oh, if only i could.
as i sit here in jobs’ backyard, a day removed from visiting the occupy wall street camp in san francisco, i am unable to fight off revulsion (ok, i didn’t exactly give it the old college try) while listening to the fulsome, obscene coverage of jobs’ death.
my head is spinning as elegies and paeans to the wonderful, truly spiritual amazingness of the late mr. jobs pour off the screen and into my beleaguered consciousness.
even the president, the “leader of the free world,” has an iPod, i am told.
question for another time: as the soviet union fell to pieces a century ago, what defines “the free world” anymore? and is guantanamo bay part of this world? how about the death houses of georgia and texas? nevermind. one rant at at time.
yes, yes. jobs was a fucking genius. he changed the way “all of us” lived our lives, listened to music and made love to our significant others.
(fair and balanced disclosure: i am hooked up to the web via silicon valley public wifi. if nothing else, i offer a posthumous thanks to mr. jobs for whatever role he played in getting this valley hooked up with free internet so i am able to cobble together this misanthropic screed on the occasion of his death. we’ve been traveling for a thousand miles now, and i’ve been wondering when this postmodern miracle of public wireless would come to fruition. next up: the bullet train.)
blitzer, god bless him, has gone all-in for the cause of the post-mortem jobs blow job.
he even called in the services of jack welch, another great ceo, a titan in the realm of corporate downsizing who turned general electric into one of history’s all-time great war profiteers, to add to the ceremonial slobbering.
hey, if “neutron” jack and “socialist” barack agree that jobs was the second coming of christ, edison and lincoln all wrapped up into one little package of genius, it must be true.
i am fairly certain, however, if jobs was half the man that wolf and the gang are fashioning him into, he’s already turning spastic revolutions in his final resting place.
now wolf turns the stage over to a female correspondent, who shares a poignant story culled from her recent trip to shanghai. asked about america, little chinese kids responded with a hallelujah chorus of “iPad, iPad.”
or maybe they said, “iPod, iPod.”
who the fuck knows? something coulda been lost in translation.
anyway, the correspondent proceeds to offer a more telling analysis. while america, she said, recently had suffered a hit “reputationally” (really? are all the editors dead?) because of the economic crisis, jobs saved our sorry asses across the world, reminding foreign peoples what was best about america.
remember when hoary notions like “freedom,” “democracy” and “indian reservations” represented what was best about america to all our inferiors abroad?
well, thankfully i guess, those days are gone.
were are about nothing less than the complete and utter triumph of the corporate state, the value of market share and share price over ideas and people, or at least the idea of ideas and people.
breaking news: steve jobs is still dead. and while i got the news on a pc, and then suffered through wolf’s fellatio of a farewell via the dinosaur of television, you read about it on an iPad or an iPhone. That’s what cnn tells me.
in other words, if it hadn’t been for steve jobs, the world wouldn’t have received the news of his death yet.
and while i know apple is a corporate megamonster worth $351 zillion, and that it stands second on the multinational charts only to the great and wonderful exxon-mobil, i offer this untimely, ill-informed and heretical viewpoint: steve jobs, for all his inestimable merits, didn’t change our lives in any positive way.
the iPad, the iPod, the iPhone.
fuck them all.
we’re turning into a nation of solitary freaks, hunched over iPads, wandering the vast internet deserts in solipsistic peregrinations, walking along with our heads down, thumbs on keypads, buds in our ears, lost in masturbatorial reveries.
rest in peace, steve jobs.
and fuck you, wolf blitzer.

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